Oh, you got jokes, huh?

[sitdownrando]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and s ee how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in he re to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK is that right?" And kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[Kylezone]

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "f*ck you, towel head."

[sitdownrando]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle."

[TideWillRoll]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

From a married womens point of view.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion;

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says; "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

[sitdownrando]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[82]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

[sitdownrando]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

[Kylezone]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench,
and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards
asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses
in jail for contempt."

[sitdownrando]

"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl"

There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f*cking hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says, "Paddy, look at this." Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, f*ck off, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant. "Please, Paddy look at this." So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5,000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "f*ck me, we're going to be millionaires!"

There was this guy who was half Irish, half Jewish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

A Irishman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem." We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies " I'll take that one," he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on," says the Doctor, "that 's obviously not your son, he's as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white." "I know, " replies the Irishman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."


One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the bitch."


This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off while f*cking, but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her box. Picking it up, he reads: "Rothstein & Lieberman, Tailors". "Jesus Christ," the Irishman says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"

What's the difference between a Kennedy and an Irishman? After 3 shots the Irish guy is still standing.

Credit to EHOWA.com

[sitdownrando]

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A GEORGIA BOY SAY:

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

07. Checkmate

06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

04. I don't have a favorite college team.

03. You Guys.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

01. Nope, no more for me, I’m driving.

[82]

A man is on a tour bus touring around Nevada with a tour company. When passing the Bunny Ranch the driver notes: "We are now passing the Bunny Ranch, a world famous house of prostitution." A man in the back yells: "Why?"

[sitdownrando]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

[sitdownrando]

Two GaTech students were walking across campus when the first said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second Jacket replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The first Jacket nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Branman]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the
afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he
told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
#1 First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

[BeastieDawg]

What do you find in the bottom of girls underwear?


Clitty Litter.

[Kylezone]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful
blond woman wave at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of
one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the
pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck
a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your
son's math teacher..."

[JD]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"



The cop asked, "What's he like?"



The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

[sitdownrando]

Three cowboys are sitting around at camp one night when they begin to discuss who is the toughest of the three.

The first cowboy say
"Last year I was bitten by a rattle snake. I grabbed the son-of-a-bitch, bit his head off, and then tied his corpse around my leg as a tourniquet until I could make it to the doctor."

The second cowboy looks at the first and chuckles as he pulls the bottom of his jeans up to expose his wooden leg.
"While herding cattle in a thunder storm, a tree fell upon me and my horse. The impact crushed my horse to death and pinned me to the ground. I used my old pocket knife to sever the leg and free myself, then continued to bring all of the cattle back to the ranch."

The third cowboy remained silent and just starred at the others while he stirred the fire with his penis.

[Kylezone]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she want ed to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true. No more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone

[sitdownrando]

A woman is sitting at home watching TV when her husband comes flying in the door screaming.
"Pack your bags! Pack your bags!" the husband screams.
The wife looks at him and says "You've won the lottery? That's great, what should I pack for? The beach? The mountains? The...."
The husband interrupts and calmly says "I don't care where you go, just get the f*ck out."