"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl"
There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f*cking hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says, "Paddy, look at this." Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, f*ck off, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant. "Please, Paddy look at this." So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5,000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "f*ck me, we're going to be millionaires!"
There was this guy who was half Irish, half Jewish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
A Irishman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem." We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies " I'll take that one," he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on," says the Doctor, "that 's obviously not your son, he's as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white." "I know, " replies the Irishman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the bitch."
This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off while f*cking, but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her box. Picking it up, he reads: "Rothstein & Lieberman, Tailors". "Jesus Christ," the Irishman says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
What's the difference between a Kennedy and an Irishman? After 3 shots the Irish guy is still standing.
Credit to EHOWA.com